I haven’t been on here in forever.

Updates: – Emotionally, I’m doing a lot better. Like tremendously. I’m always happy when I can be.

– My grandparents are still ***holes and make me miserable.

– I’m a lot more involved at school.

It sucks because I wish I’d joined a sport way earlier in high school. Track & Field and Field Hockey. But with my situation I couldn’t really anyway. I feel like everything I start to do is when it’s too late. Now I see why people always say to join a sport or activity in high school. I know that if I did from the start, I would have great friendships (I can just tell already). I would have a lot more friends (which I’m starting to actually want now).

I also feel like shit because I had the chance to join Nation Honors Society – which would have been tremendous for my high school transcript… But as usual, I failed to ask questions. Basically a lesson learned – still apply for something even if you don’t think you have the requirements. 

You see, I was invited to be in it because I have a >4.0 average, but there was a certain requirement I thought I didn’t have and it turns out I did! I felt like crap for a while, but I’m trying not to dwell on it. 

I always get this hint of sadness when the kids (teenagers) in my classes talk about certain things (normal people life things) like going somewhere as simple as the store on a week day or hanging out with friends. Or their cars or their parents or just really normal shit that almost everyone gets to do, but me. It makes me feel so terrible. And when I try to explain certain things to people, they act like they understand or they try to make it seem like my life is normal, but IT’S NOT! I know it’s not! And it makes me really angry at them inside because I actually tried to open up and express my feelings to them, and they basically just rain over it. It makes me never want to tell people about my problems again. Especially when it’s people that I consider close to me, or my “best friends” or even the guidance counselor (which I spoke to once). The only people who haven’t pretended like my situation is totally normal and didn’t make it seem like I was just complaining is Kit, Julia, Jacklyn, and Sam (Edwards) and Alexis. And my mom sometimes. She doesn’t like how my life is, and she really couldn’t help it at the time I guess. They’re the only people I can truly talk to about anything. Even Rafaelle fails to understand or at least act like it. I honestly wonder if she just does it on purpose and does realize that my life kind of sucks but doesn’t want to admit it. I mean, I’m not asking for a pity party or anything, but it always helps you feel better when you know that someone understands you. Especially someone you consider a best friend. 

Another thing that really gets me heated is when people assume that just because I live with my grandparents, (who live in a big nice house and have a luxury vehicle) that I’m spoiled or have it all. Yes, my grandparents have showed favor towards me over my little sister ever since we were younger, but you know what sucks? No one realizes the curse it brings. My grandparents don’t actually give me special treatment like they did when I was what – 7 or 5 years old? My sister who is living with my uncle now got a freaking tablet for getting the same grades I get and got as a freshman… And she even received help and support to get those grades – and here I am with no help getting the same grades and I literally never got a thing for it. She gets to go out like normal people do and go to the mall or whatever. She gets an allowance or money whenever she asks for it, etc. So big deal that I live with my grandparents. They don’t appreciate me at all, now that I live with them alone. All they do is complain about everything I either do or don’t do and yell at me. They don’t realize that I’m actually a great kid and (not to toot my own horn but) there are lots of parents out there who would be proud to have a child like me. They never really reward me for my ‘excellence’ or achievements (except for the yearly piano recital which they take me out to eat at some cheap buffet only to show off for other people). Heck, I don’t even get an allowance. Literally. And they’re not even poor… At all. Not even close. I rarely get to go hang out with friends (I literally only get to either once a month or less *usually less*). My grandfather always try to make me pity him financially, even though he makes 6 figures. I don’t have health insurance. He makes me call him ‘dad’ and yells at me or doesn’t respond if I call him grandpa. All of these things make me go mad inside. I just want to get away from them. And never come back. I wish I could tell them how much I ‘hate’ them. I know hate is the wrong word to use, but I can’t think of another word. Detest maybe? Strong dislike? Resentment? Yea, I think maybe resentment and detest are better words. 

I mean: – I get good grades, I have about a 94 average in school without any tutoring or any help or support from them

– I passed all of my state exams without any help or tutoring

– I’m very respectful

– I don’t ask for much (seriously – only like basic needs and lunch money which I barely get enough of)

– I don’t go out and party or sleep with guys (which I wouldn’t be able to anyway)

– I could go on and on.

I’m pretty upset because now that things are actually going for me; I’m likely – actually going to move this time. (Back with my mom – to NY). I’m so annoyed about it. I wouldn’t mind staying here if my mom lived here and I didn’t have to live with my grandparents and I could actually have a normal life. It’s so annoying. Like why couldn’t things just work out from the start. Or how come I couldn’t move last year, when I wanted to and expected to so badly? I swear if I have to live with my grandparents for another year (this summer included) – I will kill myself. I can’t take it anymore.