I’ve Come to This Realization…

Being at my grandparents’ house for a long period of time is what causes me to be depressed. (I live with them). There seems to be some negative vibe in my house. Or maybe a negative spirit following me.

Whenever I am at my grandparents’ house for a long period of time without doing much or going back to NY with my mom for a weekend, I get depressed again. The past two months, I haven’t once been depressed or sad for a long period of time. The past two months, I went to NY practically every weekend and I saw my mom often. I was also at my uncle’s house a lot. It has to be this house because I’m even happy in school. Maybe I’ve inherited bipolar disorder from my mom. I’m not sure.

As SOON as I am here again more often, I am BADLY depressed. I have been having suicidal thoughts literally at least every 10 minutes. I’ve been thinking about how I could kill myself, and what could really go wrong. I’ve been having really intrusive thoughts and regretting my life. I’ve been wishing my mother aborted me… All of that good stuff. I think something might be wrong with me. I’ve also been feeling like complete crap because of some things I did a few months ago even though they are pretty small compared to the things that most teenagers my age do these days. I’m just feeling really regretful. Wishing I could take things back. Wishing I was never born. Or that I could just kill myself. Wishing I was never born.

Hopefully my mom will start picking me up again more often and taking me back to NY with her more often so that I can get rid of this melancholia.

I think I’m going insane. I feel like no one is there for me. Not even my own mother or my “best” “friends”. 

I seriously wish I was never born. Or could start over. I want to kill myself.

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