I haven’t been on here in forever.

Updates: – Emotionally, I’m doing a lot better. Like tremendously. I’m always happy when I can be.

– My grandparents are still ***holes and make me miserable.

– I’m a lot more involved at school.

It sucks because I wish I’d joined a sport way earlier in high school. Track & Field and Field Hockey. But with my situation I couldn’t really anyway. I feel like everything I start to do is when it’s too late. Now I see why people always say to join a sport or activity in high school. I know that if I did from the start, I would have great friendships (I can just tell already). I would have a lot more friends (which I’m starting to actually want now).

I also feel like shit because I had the chance to join Nation Honors Society – which would have been tremendous for my high school transcript… But as usual, I failed to ask questions. Basically a lesson learned – still apply for something even if you don’t think you have the requirements. 

You see, I was invited to be in it because I have a >4.0 average, but there was a certain requirement I thought I didn’t have and it turns out I did! I felt like crap for a while, but I’m trying not to dwell on it. 

I always get this hint of sadness when the kids (teenagers) in my classes talk about certain things (normal people life things) like going somewhere as simple as the store on a week day or hanging out with friends. Or their cars or their parents or just really normal shit that almost everyone gets to do, but me. It makes me feel so terrible. And when I try to explain certain things to people, they act like they understand or they try to make it seem like my life is normal, but IT’S NOT! I know it’s not! And it makes me really angry at them inside because I actually tried to open up and express my feelings to them, and they basically just rain over it. It makes me never want to tell people about my problems again. Especially when it’s people that I consider close to me, or my “best friends” or even the guidance counselor (which I spoke to once). The only people who haven’t pretended like my situation is totally normal and didn’t make it seem like I was just complaining is Kit, Julia, Jacklyn, and Sam (Edwards) and Alexis. And my mom sometimes. She doesn’t like how my life is, and she really couldn’t help it at the time I guess. They’re the only people I can truly talk to about anything. Even Rafaelle fails to understand or at least act like it. I honestly wonder if she just does it on purpose and does realize that my life kind of sucks but doesn’t want to admit it. I mean, I’m not asking for a pity party or anything, but it always helps you feel better when you know that someone understands you. Especially someone you consider a best friend. 

Another thing that really gets me heated is when people assume that just because I live with my grandparents, (who live in a big nice house and have a luxury vehicle) that I’m spoiled or have it all. Yes, my grandparents have showed favor towards me over my little sister ever since we were younger, but you know what sucks? No one realizes the curse it brings. My grandparents don’t actually give me special treatment like they did when I was what – 7 or 5 years old? My sister who is living with my uncle now got a freaking tablet for getting the same grades I get and got as a freshman… And she even received help and support to get those grades – and here I am with no help getting the same grades and I literally never got a thing for it. She gets to go out like normal people do and go to the mall or whatever. She gets an allowance or money whenever she asks for it, etc. So big deal that I live with my grandparents. They don’t appreciate me at all, now that I live with them alone. All they do is complain about everything I either do or don’t do and yell at me. They don’t realize that I’m actually a great kid and (not to toot my own horn but) there are lots of parents out there who would be proud to have a child like me. They never really reward me for my ‘excellence’ or achievements (except for the yearly piano recital which they take me out to eat at some cheap buffet only to show off for other people). Heck, I don’t even get an allowance. Literally. And they’re not even poor… At all. Not even close. I rarely get to go hang out with friends (I literally only get to either once a month or less *usually less*). My grandfather always try to make me pity him financially, even though he makes 6 figures. I don’t have health insurance. He makes me call him ‘dad’ and yells at me or doesn’t respond if I call him grandpa. All of these things make me go mad inside. I just want to get away from them. And never come back. I wish I could tell them how much I ‘hate’ them. I know hate is the wrong word to use, but I can’t think of another word. Detest maybe? Strong dislike? Resentment? Yea, I think maybe resentment and detest are better words. 

I mean: – I get good grades, I have about a 94 average in school without any tutoring or any help or support from them

– I passed all of my state exams without any help or tutoring

– I’m very respectful

– I don’t ask for much (seriously – only like basic needs and lunch money which I barely get enough of)

– I don’t go out and party or sleep with guys (which I wouldn’t be able to anyway)

– I could go on and on.

I’m pretty upset because now that things are actually going for me; I’m likely – actually going to move this time. (Back with my mom – to NY). I’m so annoyed about it. I wouldn’t mind staying here if my mom lived here and I didn’t have to live with my grandparents and I could actually have a normal life. It’s so annoying. Like why couldn’t things just work out from the start. Or how come I couldn’t move last year, when I wanted to and expected to so badly? I swear if I have to live with my grandparents for another year (this summer included) – I will kill myself. I can’t take it anymore.

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My “Mother”

She fails to exist in my life and soon my heart. She expects me to call her when:

1. She always “has to go” or is “busy” whenever I call her.

2. She doesn’t take care of me. 

Therefore, she should be calling instead of sending me a freaking TEXT asking why I haven’t called her! WTF? She makes me want to hate her so much. I realize that some people don’t even have mothers, but I might as well not even either, since she fails to exist as one.

She puts everything but me and my sister first.

She might as well have aborted me… 

My “lovely” grand mother…

She is seriously at least 30% of the reason why I hate my life or get depressed…

I really do not want to have much contact with her when I get older… Same goes for my grandpa in a way too. Because they constantly contribute to me loathing my life and making me want to kill myself.

I’m not even gonna bother ranting about her or calling her foul names even though I really want to, because then I’d seem immature or look like a “bad person”, so I’m just gonna say that she makes my life miserable and she always has… It’s been like this forever… Even when I was younger (about 9 & 10), she made me depressed, so I know I’m not just exaggerating or making these things up.

 

I was really going to kill myself today, but I’m scared and I don’t know how. The funny thing is: I only feel this way when I am in this house. Rarely anywhere else… 

How To Fall In Love With Yourself

Nice.

Thought Catalog

 Pink Sherbet Photography

Stand naked in front of a mirror for a long time, under unflattering light if possible. Trace the rises and falls of the little ripples on your skin — the scars, the dimples, the cellulite — and think about how much you try to hide these things in your day-to-day. Wonder why you hate them so much, and if this hate stems from somewhere within yourself, or as a result of being told all your life that it’s wrong to have physical flaws. Wonder what you would think of your body if you never looked at a magazine, if you never thought about celebrities and models, if you never had to wonder where someone would rate you on a scale of 10. Look at yourself until the initial recoil softens, and you can consider your features in a more forgiving frame of mind.

Listen to the music which makes you…

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I’ve Come to This Realization…

Being at my grandparents’ house for a long period of time is what causes me to be depressed. (I live with them). There seems to be some negative vibe in my house. Or maybe a negative spirit following me.

Whenever I am at my grandparents’ house for a long period of time without doing much or going back to NY with my mom for a weekend, I get depressed again. The past two months, I haven’t once been depressed or sad for a long period of time. The past two months, I went to NY practically every weekend and I saw my mom often. I was also at my uncle’s house a lot. It has to be this house because I’m even happy in school. Maybe I’ve inherited bipolar disorder from my mom. I’m not sure.

As SOON as I am here again more often, I am BADLY depressed. I have been having suicidal thoughts literally at least every 10 minutes. I’ve been thinking about how I could kill myself, and what could really go wrong. I’ve been having really intrusive thoughts and regretting my life. I’ve been wishing my mother aborted me… All of that good stuff. I think something might be wrong with me. I’ve also been feeling like complete crap because of some things I did a few months ago even though they are pretty small compared to the things that most teenagers my age do these days. I’m just feeling really regretful. Wishing I could take things back. Wishing I was never born. Or that I could just kill myself. Wishing I was never born.

Hopefully my mom will start picking me up again more often and taking me back to NY with her more often so that I can get rid of this melancholia.

I think I’m going insane. I feel like no one is there for me. Not even my own mother or my “best” “friends”. 

I seriously wish I was never born. Or could start over. I want to kill myself.